she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
we should paint friendship bongs
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