fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
