My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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