why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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