you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
