Welp...herpes.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
