He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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