can we get nightvision for the apartment?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
