Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
