I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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