Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
