Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
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