just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I could fuck to npr.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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