Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
