Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
