I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
