OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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