hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
