Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
