My sheets look like a crime scene.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
