I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
