Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
