Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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