To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
