I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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