My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
