yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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