I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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