just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
