What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I cut my penus on the lid.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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