was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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