Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
