I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
