Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(858): View more from California

I like my sex mixed with concussions.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like our house is getting pulled over.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(214): View more from Texas

So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

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(914): View more from New York

I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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(940): View more from Texas

Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.

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(925): View more from California

You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.

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