you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This baby is an asshole
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
