At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
