i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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