My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
