I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
