I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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