Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
