i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
