Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
