the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
