it was like his penis was on wheels.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
FUCK WHALES
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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