My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
