Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
