I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
