I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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