true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
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Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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