I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
