Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
