when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
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he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
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I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.