"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?