He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.