Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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