There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
