Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
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