Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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