god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
