you guys were way drunker than both of me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
