I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
